<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>she’s in my head (i’m never lonely) by celestialserendipity</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29504550">she’s in my head (i’m never lonely)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/celestialserendipity/pseuds/celestialserendipity'>celestialserendipity</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Wilds (TV 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, I hope I don’t make this too depressing, Okay yeah it’s depressing, Shelby’s POV, religious trauma, sorry - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 01:55:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,135</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29504550</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/celestialserendipity/pseuds/celestialserendipity</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Shelby’s been praying for as long as she can remember. </p><p>But every now and then, she looks up at the sky, holds her cross, and talks to Becca instead.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Becca Gilroy/Shelby Goodkind, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>she’s in my head (i’m never lonely)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Y’all, I’ve been wanting to write something from Shelby’s POV for so long. I’m really sorry if this gets really sad lol</p><p> </p><p>TW: Implied/Referenced Suicide, Religious Trauma</p><p> </p><p>Title from Never Lonely by Space Mountain</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shelby’s first memory is a joyful one. </p><p>It’s Easter Day, and she’s three years old in a pink and teal dress, sitting in the church pews with her mother and father. The preacher is telling a story, but she’s not listening. She’s looking at how beautiful the stained glass windows are, casting yellow, red, and blue shadows onto her open bible. She can’t read very yet, so her father helps her follow along with the sermon. </p><p>It’s at this sermon that she learns about the afterlife, and heaven. Shelby doesn’t know much about death, but she decides there and then that she would be happy to die, because she would be in God’s loving arms. She tells her father that, and he gives her a knowing smile. “That’s right, sweetie. God loves everyone, and when we die, we’ll get to meet him.”</p><p>Shelby loves church.</p><p>She loves the stories, and the adventure, and the beauty of it all.</p><p>That is, until she’s seven, and she learns that there’s a catch to the whole ‘heaven’ concept. She lays in her room at night, worrying that she’ll sin and be kicked out of heaven. She doesn’t want to be alone in hell, she just wants to be loved by God the way her father told her she would be.</p><p>Even with all the worrying, Shelby still loves church. She loves the community it provides her. She thinks it’s her favorite place in the world.</p><p> </p><p>Until she meets Becca.</p><p> </p><p>They meet in the 4th grade, when Becca, eyes wide, comes up to Shelby on the playground and tells her that she was such a good singer at the talent show, and that ‘day by day’ is her favorite song, and that she would love to hear her sing it again if Shelby wants to.</p><p>Shelby obviously sings it again for Becca. Actually, she sings it for her 26 more times that week, not that she’d been counting at all.</p><p> </p><p>They become fast friends, and Becca soon accompanies Shelby to her second home, her church. They sleep over at each others’ houses at least twice a week, but Shelby likes it a lot better at Becca’s, because her mom buys them family sized bags of Sour Patch Kids for their movie nights.</p><p>So, church is Shelby’s second favorite place in the world. </p><p> </p><p>In middle school, Shelby stops going over to Becca’s house as much. It’s not that she wants to, but Becca doesn’t invite her as often. She’s in tears one night, and asks her parents why Becca won’t talk to her as much. They just tell her that she’s going through a ‘rough patch.’ </p><p>That night, Shelby looks up at her ceiling, at the heavens, and prays for Becca. Prays that she’ll get better. Prays that she’ll be happier. Prays that they’ll stay friends.</p><p> </p><p>Although she doesn’t know it, God only grants Shelby one of those prayers. But Becca is good at hiding, so Shelby doesn’t realize until it’s too late.</p><p> </p><p>At the beginning of high school, Becca transfers schools, but she and Shelby still remain best friends. Almost every weekend is spent in Shelby’s room, watching a movie, talking about boys, or something stupid. It doesn’t matter what they’re talking about though, because nothing is stupid when it’s with Becca.</p><p>Shelby’s also winning the most pageants she’s ever won, which might have to do with the fact that she gets so nervous singing for Becca that the real pageant is a piece of cake. She just doesn’t want to disappoint Becca. So she sings ‘day by day’, just like she used to when they were 9 years old, sitting side by side on the swings.</p><p>But this time, she stumbles.</p><p>Messes up the lyrics.</p><p>Steps out of line.</p><p>Shelby doesn’t know what’s gotten over her. She can feel the firey eyes of God, looking down, burning holes through her heart. But at the moment, nothing matters. Shelby doesn’t care about heaven at the moment, or losing God’s love, because the most love she’s ever felt is sitting in front of her, kissing her back. She thinks that this should be how every day should go. If she could spend the rest of her life in this room with Becca, she would be happy.</p><p>God, apparently, has other plans. More specifically, in the form of Dave Goodkind.</p><p>Shelby denies everything. God’s seen it, of course, but Dave Goodkind is not God. He doesn’t need to know. But it’s too late. He sees right through her lies, denounces her, tells her she’ll burn in hell, and that she’s not worthy of anyone’s love, whether it be God or himself.</p><p> </p><p>For the moment, Shelby is completely alone. She’s lost her best friends, her parents are threatening to send her away, and God isn’t answering her futile attempts to save her precious soul. So she believes her father. Indulges in every single terrible word he says to her, and builds a cage around her heart. One that even Becca cannot open.</p><p> </p><p>Becca.</p><p>There are a million things Shelby wishes she could tell her. Things that she loved about her.</p><p>How her eyes lit up when she laughed.</p><p>How her smile never went unnoticed.</p><p>How she put on a happy face for the sake of others.</p><p>How she knew exactly what to say, even if Shelby herself couldn’t find the words.</p><p>How she loved those who didn’t deserve it.</p><p> </p><p>And since she cannot tell her herself, she begins to tell God. He’s the only one that will listen.</p><p>She looks up at the sky, at the stars, and tells stories of Halloween in middle school, or when they vandalized a car together, or when Becca came back from the hospital after 2 weeks and Shelby promised she would never let her go again.</p><p>She wishes she’d kept that promise.</p><p>Every time she remembers something about Becca, she grabs the silver cross around her neck and prays. Because she knows that no one else will. She prays that she’s safe up there. Prays that she’s loved. Because, even if Shelby will never be loved, she thinks Becca deserves love more than she does.</p><p>She doesn’t ever ask for forgiveness from Becca. She only ever says she’s sorry. She doesn’t think she deserves forgiveness from Becca. She deserves nothing. </p><p> </p><p>But, somehow, God decides she deserves something.</p><p>Shelby Goodkind has only been loved once. And she went and destroyed that love without thinking twice.</p><p>But maybe that’s okay, because Toni Shalifoe’s done that too. </p><p> </p><p>They both know that they’re not good people. They’re sinners, destined for a life in the burning abyss of hell. They will never be loved by God, or their families, or whoever else comes into their lives. But that’s okay, because they can love each other, and that’s enough for now.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okay I am so so sorry for writing this it ended up being much more depressing than I was hoping for but uh.....</p><p> </p><p>On a brighter note here’s a song recommendation!! -  Is There A Place I Can Go by Trudy and the Romance</p><p> I love this song because I feel like it kind sums up Shelby and Toni’s relationship. </p><p>Anyways, hope everyone has a great day!</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>